(c) photos via tumblr, graphic made by myself.
I'm at a very strange cross-roads in my life, and I feel like making this old blog my outlet. i'm at that point in my life where i feel suffocated by nearly everything. I went into the FVI program at school ill prepared for the intensity as well as the cost of everything the program requires. Because of that, I'm only taking once course at the moment in hopes that I'll be able to save for the other courses, or possibly decide if FVI isn't right for me. I can't tell if I'm psyching myself out of the program by becoming completely petrified and overwhelmed with the class work, or if it really just isn't the right program for me. The idea of the projects for the class, a simple ten shot frame-to-frame video as our first assignment loomed over me all week and every time i thought about it i had a panic attack. I couldn't help but be transported back to freshman year when I was enrolled in Digital Design 140 without the software to complete the homework and needing to rely on school computers, which wouldn't be too difficult if I lived on campus like everyone else, but I didn't. I'd have to drive to school and work on the projects in the amount of time I had, and it all got to be too much for me, so I had to withdraw from the class. I had that same feeling of not being able to do any of the work for my FVI class because I don't have final cut pro on my computer, and my computer is so old it wouldn't be able to run final cut pro, which would leave me driving to and from campus all the time. I'm sticking with my script-writing class for now because it's the one I liked the most, and the one I feel would be able to help me decide if FVI is right for me. Hopefully one way or another I'll at least have a script written by the end of this. Work too has become more of a burden than a blessing these days. A lot is changing around the store, and not necessarily in a good way. It's hard to explain but there's a definite change in the mood of the place, most people dread going to work. It's not necessarily one thing making it a drag vs. another, but I definitely don't love going to work the way I used to, and I'm looking for more jobs. It's hard because I have some friends at work that I don't want to lose contact with, but I feel like I will the way I have with people who've left the store recently. I'm not sure everyone gets this feeling in their life, for everyone's sake I hope they don't, but I get the impending and earth-shattering feeling all the friends I have I could count on one hand. It hurts like hell to realize that no matter how hard you try you're not as important to other people as they are to you, or that you can become secondary over night, but in a way it might be divine intervention. I say this because the resounding feeling of having little to no friends in your life gives you nothing to stick around for, and makes me all the more determined to do what it takes to get out of this town and hopefully find some friends elsewhere. The only positive/exciting thing happening in my life, other than feeling like my script writing professor has taken a distinct liking to me, is the prospect of an internship/job with an outstanding wedding & event planning company locally. If you know me at all you know how all-encompassing and heartfelt my love is for weddings and everything related to them, and this company embodies everything i stand for and appreciate when it comes to them. It's run by two young women who are really cool, very innovative, and outrageously stylish. The company has been featured in countless magazines, and I want so badly just to get the opportunity to work with them and see what it's like to take a love for weddings and apply/multiply it to/with actual couples. I'd love to work for them, but I'm also nervous to become comfortable living at home and working in the next town over, but I haven't even gone for the interview so I don't want to get ahead of myself. |
