she sleeps alone...

(c) photos via tumblr, graphic made by myself.

I'm at a very strange cross-roads in my life, and I feel like making this old blog my outlet. i'm at that point in my life where i feel suffocated by nearly everything. I went into the FVI program at school ill prepared for the intensity as well as the cost of everything the program requires. Because of that, I'm only taking once course at the moment in hopes that I'll be able to save for the other courses, or possibly decide if FVI isn't right for me. I can't tell if I'm psyching myself out of the program by becoming completely petrified and overwhelmed with the class work, or if it really just isn't the right program for me. The idea of the projects for the class, a simple ten shot frame-to-frame video as our first assignment loomed over me all week and every time i thought about it i had a panic attack. I couldn't help but be transported back to freshman year when I was enrolled in Digital Design 140 without the software to complete the homework and needing to rely on school computers, which wouldn't be too difficult if I lived on campus like everyone else, but I didn't. I'd have to drive to school and work on the projects in the amount of time I had, and it all got to be too much for me, so I had to withdraw from the class. I had that same feeling of not being able to do any of the work for my FVI class because I don't have final cut pro on my computer, and my computer is so old it wouldn't be able to run final cut pro, which would leave me driving to and from campus all the time. I'm sticking with my script-writing class for now because it's the one I liked the most, and the one I feel would be able to help me decide if FVI is right for me. Hopefully one way or another I'll at least have a script written by the end of this. Work too has become more of a burden than a blessing these days. A lot is changing around the store, and not necessarily in a good way. It's hard to explain but there's a definite change in the mood of the place, most people dread going to work. It's not necessarily one thing making it a drag vs. another, but I definitely don't love going to work the way I used to, and I'm looking for more jobs. It's hard because I have some friends at work that I don't want to lose contact with, but I feel like I will the way I have with people who've left the store recently. I'm not sure everyone gets this feeling in their life, for everyone's sake I hope they don't, but I get the impending and earth-shattering feeling all the friends I have I could count on one hand. It hurts like hell to realize that no matter how hard you try you're not as important to other people as they are to you, or that you can become secondary over night, but in a way it might be divine intervention. I say this because the resounding feeling of having little to no friends in your life gives you nothing to stick around for, and makes me all the more determined to do what it takes to get out of this town and hopefully find some friends elsewhere. The only positive/exciting thing happening in my life, other than feeling like my script writing professor has taken a distinct liking to me, is the prospect of an internship/job with an outstanding wedding & event planning company locally. If you know me at all you know how all-encompassing and heartfelt my love is for weddings and everything related to them, and this company embodies everything i stand for and appreciate when it comes to them. It's run by two young women who are really cool, very innovative, and outrageously stylish. The company has been featured in countless magazines, and I want so badly just to get the opportunity to work with them and see what it's like to take a love for weddings and apply/multiply it to/with actual couples. I'd love to work for them, but I'm also nervous to become comfortable living at home and working in the next town over, but I haven't even gone for the interview so I don't want to get ahead of myself.

my oh my...

(c) photos via tumblr, graphic made by myself.

This summer has really flown by, so much has happened in what seems like no time at all, and i'm going to attempt to remember it all (or at least the most important bits) in this post. i'll start at the beginning: i left for my second summer at camp wa-klo the second week of june, full of excitement. i got to see all of my friends from around the world and meet some incredible new ones. i got a different, less-liked, vibe from the people i was working for which really sucked because they were quite harsh about pretty ridiculous things. i found out i had to come home to complete a summer course in order to graduate on time, so my time at camp was cut short. i tried my hardest to get back but was shut down my the administration time after time which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. since i wasn't able to go back to wa-klo, i took a job at a local outdoor day camp in my home town. i was really apprehensive about working at this camp because it wasn't as quality as my previous camp, but i couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my summer. i was able to re-connect with friends from high school, make new amazing friends i'd never known, and work with some incredible kids. i've never been so busy hanging out with people every other night, parties on the weekends, and overall incredible times. i was also able to spend a week in rhode island with my entire family, which is incredible in itself since i have twenty-five first cousins alone. i wasn't expecting to have a great time with my family, sadly, but i had one of the best times of my life. i was able to see my california cousins that hadn't all been with us for over five years, and it was so nice to see what kind of kids they turned out to be (all amazing by the way). i'm so lucky that i was able to have that time with my entire family, and i know none of us will ever forget it. if i'd missed out on it i would be engrossed with regret. i did take a break in the middle of it to go to the harry potter and the deathly hallows part ii premiere, which was good. it was incredible to see all of my premiere friends, and amazing to hear the cast say their goodbye to their new york city fans, and most preciously their thanks to those of us who come out year after year to support them at the premieres. having the film franchise come to an end hasn't quite hit me, but the great thing about the harry potter series is that it could never be over, thanks to the books. i'm also planning on at least an initial small harry potter tattoo! (the weasley W on my wrist) another great thing about this summer is that it's allotted me far more confidence than i'd ever expected. i've become more secure in who i am as an individual, more comfortable in doing things on my own and actually quite excited about going on my own adventures, (especially to see midnight in paris and crazy stupid love, because both were incredible) while also realizing what i want out of life. it's the small things that get me most excited, and for me they're the weight watchers venture i'm about to go on (camp kind of got in the way of giving it a true go), the idea of fresh produce and new clothing, and a new school year. i'm going to be a senior, finally wrapping up my college career and getting a move on to my real career! i'm looking into possibly nannying in the uk next summer while looking into internships or publishing jobs over there. who knows what will happen, good times and bad times will come, but i'm just excited to start really growing up and slowly becoming my own person.

dream big...

(c) photos via tumblr, graphic made by myself.

today is my first day off from work, so i can finally update this. i've been having a really good time at work, hanging out with old and new people at camp and then at parties or places after. tomorrow night my friend tina is having a toga party at her apartment that the majority of us are going to, which should be awesome. so far the good times portion of my summer pledge is working out, i'm also going to see harry potter and the deathly hallows prt. II again in a couple of hours with my dad. another thing i'm doing is starting the new online weight watchers on monday, and i could not be more pumped. i talked to my mother about it and she agreed to pay for it until i get paid since they're doing a really good deal for a little while where you pay for three months and only a $1 initiation fee. so, i'm starting on monday and i'm going to go food shopping for all the things i'll need for work and dinners and stuff on sunday. i'm really excited, i've never had a plan to follow and i know i'll do really good with it, because i only need something to follow and i do fine, as opposed to trying to do it on my own. i'm really excited to get this show on the road and have some actual results. maybe i should have found a photo of something saying dream smaller then? anyways, i also got my second notice saying i've made the deans list for the second semester in a row, which means i'm now in the english honors society. i'm not really sure what that means, other than i can take classes i couldn't take before, and that if i keep it up my diploma is more impressive and i get different robes come graduation time. there's probably more, but all of those things are pretty sweet. that's all for now, i think i'll post some of my favorite music next time.

sweet summer glow...

(c) photos via tumblr and the sartorialist, graphic made by myself.

i've decided to spend this summer doing productive things. funny that i type that while sitting in my bed on the computer. i'm working every weekday, and trying to do fun things on the weekends and at night. i'm making bigger graphics for these entries from the photos i find and love, i'm working on my fine art before my advanced drawing class begins, and i'm trying to do new things whenever i can. i think this might be the summer of doing things alone as well. normally i won't do something unless i have someone to do it with, but not anymore. if i want to go to a museum, aquarium, down town, or see a movie, i'll do it by myself. i need to start living my life by myself and stop worrying about other people, which sounds selfish but i don't care. it's time for good music, good films, good books, and good times, whatever they may be.